Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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