Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
