This is not my ceiling
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
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Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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