I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
