just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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