I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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