Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
