I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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