there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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