you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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