I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We got so high we made milksteak
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
