The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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