oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Drunk is not a location!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
