I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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