I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
