he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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