he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ttyl tear gas
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
