we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
