Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
