Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
