***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can tuck mytits in my pants
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
