One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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