you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
