I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We left the knife in your bed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
