1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
