I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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