I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
