So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
