I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I am naked and annoyed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
