I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Rumble strips road head = magical
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
