Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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