3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
