I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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