Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
did i walk over a car last night?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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