matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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