totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
