If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I believe in your delicious
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