He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
