WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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