I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Couch. On fire.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
