I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
