Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
