My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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