I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I fill condoms, not promises.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
