I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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