If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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