Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
