Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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