I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
