Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am one with the molecules
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
