Ambien. No doubt about it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
