So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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