I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
