Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
